*tap* *tap* *tap* …is this thing on?

I was reflecting today on the nature of fear – what drives fear, how it manifests, how a person can conquer it. Then I remembered; I have a blog! So…

I didn’t learn to swim until I was well and truly an adult, maybe 29 or 30. Why? I don’t know, but I do know that for many many years the water was a source of terror to me. Then I got SO BORED of being afraid of it so SO LONG, and of feeling shame over that, so I signed up for adult swimming lessons. Going into the first lesson I was completely terrified, but within half an hour I was floating unaided. A week later I was swimming – badly, but I was doing it! Some weeks after that I dived into water for the first time. I can’t tell you the joy I felt, but also the relief that I no longer had to carry this fear with me that I had carried for years and years and years. I became a reasonable, and reasonably confident, swimmer – in a swimming pool.

Five years later I gave birth to a daughter, and of course family trips to the seaside became a not infrequent part of life. My daughter has been swimming for as long as she can remember and is supremely confident in the water, but you could not have PAID me to swim in the sea, so terrified of it was I – even though by now I was a strong swimmer. And this was completely okay – my husband is very confident in water of every kind and was happy to take responsibility for the family sea-dips. In truth we probably went to the beach about once a year, at most, and so it wasn’t too big a deal.

Then earlier this year we moved to Cornwall. We now live in a seaside village were everybody swims, sails & surfs, and children are swimming in the sea before they can walk. Being in the sea is a part of life here, and so it became time to face my fear.

Today I swam in the sea for the first time in my life, until I was out of my depth (just). It was terrifying, I was shaking afterwards, and I felt such incredible joy. My husband and daughter encouraged me the whole time (okay with just a tiny bit of mild teasing), but with their help I did it! It was exhilarating. I know now that I can only get better and better – and it’s one more source of fear that I no longer have to carry.

What’s the moral of this story? I’m not sure… So much of the sadness and badness of life and the world that we live in seems to be driven by insecurity and fear that is projected outward onto the world. I would hazard a guess that most people are not terrified about swimming in the sea (?), but also that we all have something. Maybe several somethings. Things that cause us to freeze. Things that we probably wouldn’t admit to many people, or even to ourselves. Maybe even things that we defend ourselves against, project onto others. But on the other side of that fear is confidence, is joy, is exhilaration.

Did I feel slightly silly being so obviously afraid today, on a crowded beach surrounded by confident water-babies (literal babies in some cases)? Yes, I did. Was it absolutely worth getting through that for the pure exhilaration I feel now, and the new skill I have unlocked? One hundred percent yes.

What are you afraid of? Could it be time to dive in…